Characteristics healthy relationships have.
You will find it truly difficult to open a women’s magazine without being confronted with some type of relationship how-to article. Articles ranging from “How to find the man of your dreams” to “How to know if he is in to you”, however I have never come across such an article in a (for the lack of a better word) male magazine. Do men not care about relationships or are we, as women, overly sensitive to what a relationship should be and look like? Well, I did the most logical thing most of you would do and turned to “The Google” for answers.
I came across article upon article about “what men want women to know”, “what men really want in a relationship”, and of course the classic “7 things men want from a relationship”. Now with all due respect to each of these writers, who do have some valid points, it seems like the things we (both men and women) want from a relationship are not so different – we may just ask for it in different ways.
What then makes a relationship truly healthy?
To a certain extent, I am a firm believer that the people in the relationship are the ones who decide on this aspect. It comes down to what makes the relationship work for you. With that being said, there are a few themes that are prominent in all healthy relationships, thus it seem logical to conclude that these aspects may contribute to a healthy relationship.
Communication: People in healthy relationships tend to spend more time investing in the skills that lead to healthy communication patterns. These individuals tend to listen to each other’s perspectives rather than screaming at each other. They are able to communicate their emotions without their emotions communicating for them. They seem to have a profound understanding that to communicate is how one learns and grows, not just in the self, but in the relationship. Therefore communication is the number one habit in healthy relationships.
Empathy and respect: No relationship can thrive without some form of mutual respect and understanding. Healthy couples know this and understand that to truly have empathy and respect for your partner, you need to understand how they think and what the true triggers of their emotions are. This idea is supported by the works of Dr. John Gotman as well as Dr Harville and Helen Lakelly Hunt, the developers of Imago Therapy. They believe that by getting to know your partner intimately, on an emotional and cognitive level, one will begin to understand why they react the way they do, why they display certain behaviors and why some of these behaviors are unacceptable.
Praise and recognition: People in healthy relationships embrace the phrase ‘thank you’ and they don’t take the little things for granted. We all have certain expectations of a partner, parent or spouse. This is only natural, and we of course want them to live up to these expectations, but when they do, we are not always appreciative of it. The cause of this has very much to do with our taught gender roles. In many households, it is usually the mother that makes food and cleans the house. Therefore as adults, we expect our partners to adhere to those gender roles, in that it becomes the wife’s job to make food or the husband’s job to cut the grass, and we stop appreciating these acts of love.
Negotiate: No matter how compatible you and your partner may be, it is impossible to agree on everything every single time, therefore couples in healthy relationships have mastered the art of negotiating. When negotiating, they are able to create a safe environment for negotiating, they do not make demands, show disrespect or become angry when they negotiate. These individuals are able to identify the problem form both perspectives and then find a solution that will fit both parties.
Individuality: This one does seem like a bit of a weird attribute to have in a healthy relationship, but it is of importance to continue your own personal growth. A relationship is the coming together of two individuals to build a future together, but they do not just suddenly become one cell. The relationship thrives on how each partner is able to support the other in becoming their best self.
Trust: Healthy relationships have an undeniable element of trust. People in healthy relationships are able to form and nurture a bond of trust.
Forgiveness: Couples in healthy relationships are easy to forgive, they do not hold on to their anger and they do not allow their anger to become vengeful. They are able to talk about why they feel they have been wronged, find a solution and move on. They never bring up old wounds for the sake of hurting their partner.
Conflict management: As I said before, it isn’t possible to always agree; you and your partner are bound to experience some arguments, but it is not the argument that is the problem in relationships, but rather how we argue. Many relationships break down not because of having a disagreement, but not being able to disagree in a fair and respectful manner.
Healthy relationships are not bought or born, they are created through hard work. If you want a healthy relationship you must be willing to put in the effort. You must be willing to put in the time and master the necessary skills. If it was always easy it would not have been such a sought after commodity.
